1.DUN DUN DUN...

(INTERNET BACKDROP. SOFT DECONSTRUCTED NOTES OF THE THEME TUNE, A VAST, RESONANT SPACE.)

COMPUTER VOICE

New text post on Tuesday, August 4.

SOUND: TEXT POST NOISE

KATE Hey Selkirk, if that giant pool of blood belongs to the person you're trying to make me think it does then I need you to meet me behind the bleachers so we can fight.

2. ANALYSIS

(SKYPE/VIDEOCHAT AMBIANCE - ELLA HAS A FAINT REVERB, SIMILAR TO WHAT WE HEAR IN THE INTERNET BACKDROP)

SOUND: RATHER THAN GO THROUGH THE FULL PROCESS OF LAST TIME, THE CALL SOUND PLAYS FOR A FEW SECONDS, THEN FADE INTO...

KATE

Oh my god do we have to start a dead pool? Is that what fandoms do when this happens?

ELLA

We know it can't be Tony. That's one down.

KATE

Thank you weird curse immortality.

ELLA

And it has to be too soon -- even if this was going to be a 'bury your gays' show, we've only had two episodes of Grace and Jodi...

KATE

Three-ish if you count the five minutes at the end of episode nine.

ELLA

They've hardly talked to each other since they kissed!

They have to talk to each other at least once before either of them can get killed off. ...don't they?

KATE

I'm pretty sure Jodi's actress is the most famous person in this cast. They probably can't kill her.

Unless, shit, do you think this is like one of those "anyone can die" twist things?

ELLA

Okay, it looks like Ray's put some screencaps online--

KATE

That woman is so fast.

ELLA

There's definitely a rug or carpet under that blood. What was everyone standing on in their last scene?

KATE

Tony's still at the lake, but we already know he's fine.

ELLA

What about the tourism centre?

KATE

There's a carpet in at least a couple of the rooms, I think. So that's a question mark for Jodi, Grace and Arthur.

What about Garrett?

ELLA

We didn't see what it looked like inside that cabin so...

KATE

It could still be anyone but Tony.

ELLA

(SIGHS) It looks that way.

KATE

I can't believe we have to wait a week and they didn't even give us a real preview.

ELLA

Ugggh. We should have seen this coming. TV writers love a third-act character death.

KATE

Just because it's classic storytelling doesn't mean I have to like it.

ELLA

At least this is the kind of show where a resurrection plotline wouldn't be out of order.

KATE

And if I have to ignore the canon, I will ignore the canon.

ELLA

(LAUGHS) Right. Go team Denial?

KATE

Go team Denial.

Hey dude it's almost midnight there!

ELLA

I know. I was trying not to notice.

KATE

Oh! Sorry.

ELLA

It's fine. I should get some sleep.

Unless you want to help me come up with an argument for why staying up until 3 a.m. on a work night is a good idea?

KATE

Okay, you know I'm the wrong person to ask, because I will, a hundred percent.

ELLA

Time zones are terrible.

KATE

The worst.

ELLA

What are you going to do with the rest of your night?

KATE

Plan out my Tony brings Garrett back from the dead AU, just in case.

ELLA

Tell me about it tomorrow?

KATE

I was gonna send you a thousand spammy emails while you were sleeping to be honest.

ELLA

Even better.

KATE

Oh, uh hey.

ELLA

Huh?

KATE

If it's basically midnight, then... two weeks.

Until we get to hang out, I mean. It's two weeks.

ELLA

I knew what you meant.

I guess I can start saying I'll see you soon, hey?

KATE

I guess.

ELLA

Then I'll see you soon, Kate.

KATE

Yeah. See you soon too.

3. DRINKS AFTER WORK

(WE'RE IN A BAR. CHATTER IN THE BACKGROUND)

SOUND: TWO DRINKS SET DOWN ON A TABLE

KATE and STUART

Thanks. / Thank you.

STUART

(RESUMING A CONVERSATION)

Okay, so getting back to your Ella thing--

KATE

I -- what does that even -- "a thing"?

STUART

Okay, you were just like

(SOLEMN INTONATION)

We have to should talk about the Ella Situation now.

KATE

I don't sound like that.

STUART

No, you totally did. So what's up?

KATE

It's... complicated.

STUART

Oh! Is this an ex situation?

KATE

What?

STUART

Because no judgement. My high school ex and I still text way too much.

KATE

No, we haven't -- she's not my ex.

STUART

She's not straight, is she?

KATE

Definitely not.

STUART

Taken?

KATE

No.

STUART

...could you give me a hint?

KATE

She doesn't live here.

STUART

Oh, okay. Vancouver?

KATE

Toronto. Well, Mississauga or something.

STUART

That explains some stuff.

I get it. Long distance isn't for everyone.

KATE

I mean -- it's not -- it would suck not being in the same space but there's video chat and email and texting -- we talk all the time -- and plane tickets are a thing, right?

STUART

Wait, I'm confused.

KATE

She's like -- she's so cool, and smart, and funny. And she's pretty. And I'm going to see her in less that two weeks, and I am freaking out.

STUART

Right! The Selkirk con. You're gonna ask her out then?

KATE

What? No. God no.

STUART

But, you just said...

KATE

What if she says no?

STUART

Well-- in that case--

KATE

No -- not even that. What if I meet her in person and she's -- I don't know. Mean to waiters. Just super mean.

Or it could be me! I -- I could -- I could smell bad. Terrible. Like, pheromone-level bad. Or maybe she'll think that my laugh is too loud. Or she'll realize that I have nothing to talk about other than Selkirk episodes. I don't even have any goals. Did you know that? I'm supposed to graduate next year and I have nothing I want to do except watch TV shows and -- I don't know -- I guess not starve to death?

She is going to meet me, and then she is going to see that I am a fraud and I'm going to have to find a whole new social media platform and change my name just so I don't accidentally like one of her posts at 3 a.m.

STUART

Dude.

KATE

Ah.

That was... not supposed to come out like that...

STUART

Do you want me to get you another drink?

KATE

Could you maybe erase the last couple of minutes of your memory instead?

(BEAT) How do you do it?

STUART

Do what?

KATE

Like... like, be a person?

STUART

(LAUGHING) Hey, don't look at me.

KATE

No, seriously You're the most person-y person I know. I bet you went out more this week than I did all summer.

STUART

Yeah, because I still live in the town where I went to high school. Half my friends only visit for the long weekends, and most of the others will be gone the second school starts. Of course I've been busy all summer.

KATE

Come on, it can't be that bad. I know the university here isn't huge, but it's not like there's no one our age around for miles.

STUART

Yeah, I still meet people. But do you know how many gay and trans university students are actually planning to stick around Kamloops past graduation?

KATE

Um... like six?

STUART

Lower.

KATE

Do you wanna leave town?

STUART

I don't know. It's not like I'm doing anything special here. But it's not like I have anything special I want to do anywhere else either, you know? And when I try to think about what I'd do, or where I'd live, or even what city I'd want to go to -- it all gets...

KATE

Super overwhelming?

STUART

Yeah. I don't hate it here or anything. Sometimes I just feel... kinda stuck.

KATE

Yeah, I. I know what you mean.

Hey, you know, if you ever wanted to at least -- I don't know -- audition a new city, I think there's a dorm room floor in Victoria with your name on it.

STUART

For real?

KATE

Yeah. Yeah, for real.

STUART

One condition.

KATE

Okay?

STUART

Let me know when you ask Ella out.

KATE

What? Sorry? Can't hear you. I'm pretending that conversation never happened.

STUART

And I'm just saying...

KATE

Okay, then I'm also remembering the part where you said you'd buy me another drink.

STUART

Hey, I'm not complaining.

(CALLING ACROSS THE BAR) Excuse me? Could we get two more over here?

4. CLIFFHANGER, RESOLVED. ISH.

(IT'S THE INTERNET AGAIN!)

COMPUTER VOICE

New text post on Tuesday, August 11

SOUND: NEW POST SOUND

ELLA

Penultimate episode. Here we go.

I promise I'll be back to write a full analysis afterwards, but if I don't say much in the next hour, please assume it is because I am too busy screaming at my television set and/or ACunningPlan.

SOUND: POST SOUND

KATE

OH THANK THE TV GODS THEY ONLY KILLED OFF ARTHUR.

And Selkirk I know what you're trying to do with this music and slow motion, but I will not feel sad about you killing off my least favourite character by -- HOLY SHIT DID THE MONSTER BITE HIS HEAD OFF?

(NARRATION MODE UP - A SMALL, COZY SPACE. SOFT NOTES OF MUSIC PLAY.)

NARRATOR KATE

So... spoilers, I guess.

Poor dead Arthur did get to contribute one thing to the plot. When Tony and the gang went to roll his headless body up in a rug, there was a trap door underneath. And in the basement of the Selkirk Visitor Information Centre they found a summoning circle. And a leftover arm. And then everyone said the word 'homunculus' enough times that it became a fandom meme.

Turns out? Both the werewolf homestead and the entrance to fairyland were directly in the path of some big proposed oil pipeline. And there were enough people in town who'd do just about anything to make it go through. Including trapping some kind of demon thing in a body made out of spare parts and sending it out to incite a war. You know, normal oil industry stuff.

They did a funeral scene for Arthur too. It was good. A little heavy on the speeches.

And then, that was it. My favourite TV show of the entire summer was down to one more episode. I mean, except for once last cliffhanger...

(TV MODE AGAIN! AS ALWAYS THE SOUND DESIGN HERE IS SOMEHOW MUCH MUCH MORE OVERPRODUCED. WE'RE IN THE WOODS. DETERMINED, DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND,"I CAN FEEL IT COMING" BY KEVIN MACLEOD IS DRAMATIC EDGELORD ELECTRIC GUITAR)

SOUND: TREE BRANCHES BREAKING AS TWO PEOPLE MOVE THROUGH THE FOREST.

GARRETT

(SOUNDING WINDED)

Tony! Tony -- dude, hey, where are you going?

TONY

I'm gonna go see what this immortality thing can really do. Wish me luck.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC CRESCENDOS. END OF EP.)